i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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