Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
