he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
