I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
