Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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