At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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