Only a mothe r could love this liver
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
