Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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