I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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