We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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