My Higher Power is John Stamos
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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