I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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