Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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