She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
