Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
