you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize