I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
