i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
