when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
