if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Operation Purity has been aborted
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
