everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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