You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
