I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
