i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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