chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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