He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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