so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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