What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
