Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
