Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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