yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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