I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
