I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
