Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
