Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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