I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
