saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
