took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
