I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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