I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
