going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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