Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
