Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
