Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
