I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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