please come you make the beer taste better
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
