dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
love makes seman taste better
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
