so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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