Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
