i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
