I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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