It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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