jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
