this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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