I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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