even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
