He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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